Posts Tagged ‘facebook advertising’

Dumb stuff Facebook tries to sell me, mid-earthquake

August 8, 2012

I just went on facebook, because I experienced my first real earthquake. My apartment complex shook like an outdoor table at a cheap restaurant. I thought about phoning my lover to say “come quick, let’s do it!” And then it was over. Over already? A whole 4.4 on the Richter, and not a single glass was broken, although a friend reported a salt shaker falling over in his ground floor abode.

So, I was on facebook. And everybody was updating in CAPS like it was scary or something.

So here’s my life plan by facebook advertising: Pregnant! Then duh… lose a of pounds and my happy life continues. Except I was only able to afford that tummy tuck because I SOLD MY BABY ON THE BLACK MARKET AND GOT CAUGHT. But at least, before I went to jail, I could shop at Modcloth for these cute little outfits that I’d never have fitted into with my ugly baby-tummy.

Find it distressing to see someone’s crying face on my facebook page every day. I don’t want to see my friends’ criminal records. I don’t think it’s any of my business. I guess I need to change my age, race, and sexual preferences again. So now, I’ll be a gay man, widowed, 19. That should make me harder to target.

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Only losers click “like” on farcebook adverts

August 28, 2011

Seriously? With all the porn out there, you can think of nothing better to do with your right hand than click on a corporate advert on your favorite social network? There’s only one thing stupider than the people who respond to Facebook adverts, and that’s the people who respond to them while sober.

What are you going to do next. BUY a coca-cola T-Shirt with your own money? Oh… wait… you… sorry…

Oooh. What do we have today. An advert for an Afrikaans magazine's facebook page... liked by the most unlikely candidate (I bet you $1million he works there). A Scary Lady who is our only hope and resembles Blondie as a republican party reptile. Chocolates trying to persuade me to be fat for free. And oooh. Okay, the last one is actually bang on for me. You win, Facecake. I really want that music.

Sure, you’re going to tell me, but if they don’t have advertisements, how will they fund the way you spend most of your free time while you’re supposed to be writing? Well that’s a) not my problem and b) not the point. There are plenty of stupid people out there, funding my online social life right now. Thanks, stupid fuckers! Keep clicking. And PS. don’t forget to sign up for Foursquare in order to update your equally stupid friends with every boring detail of your shopping activities. Lol lol lol!!!!

Of course, I do have a solution. I’m changing my age every month or two, to keep it interesting. Since I altered my location to the USA and told them I was 25 years old, single, and lesbian, my advertising has improved – I’m no longer being offered as many anti-aging products (although, surprisingly, still a few). I’m no longer being asked if I’d like to meet Christian singles (I often discussed religion in the past, but they wouldn’t leave me be. So much for targeted advertising!) I am no longer offered cures for constipation. And they keep trying to get me to join Kim Kardashian’s shoe society. Which is random, but harmless. I only miss one thing. That’s this:

Finally. A way to meet hot, needy chicks from Seattle and Portland. This made me laugh every day. I really wish I could request it.