Archive for the ‘ad campaigns’ Category

Oh look, it’s the crazy Jesus people in their anti-gay scary-mobile!

March 2, 2013

Whatever you do, and whatever they offer you, DON’T GET IN THE VAN! This has got to be the creepiest Jesus van I’ve ever seen, and they get pretty creepy. This is the kind of van where you’d expect “corrective rape” and “reconditioning” to occur, in the parking lot of a Walmart, which funnily enough is exactly where the occupants were shopping at the time…

So we're all going to heaven except for GANG, HOMOSEX and ABORTION. Whatever they're good at, subject noun-agreement isn't it. Oh, and HATE. So people who hate fags and women's rights be in trouble with Jesus too?

So we’re all going to heaven except for GANG, HOMOSEX and ABORTION. Whatever they’re good at, subject noun-agreement isn’t it. Oh, and HATE. So people who hate fags and women’s rights be in trouble with Jesus too? No? I guess you gotta make your hypocritical exceptions or it wouldn’t be a real religion, would it.

sign_scaryjesusvan1

I have no words. And what’s funniest is the people who drove this van were SO CRAZY that they assumed I was taking photos of them because I approved of their insane religious-based intolerance of others. Then again, what should I expect from people whose license plate is customized to read WARNING.

Oh, and this is Bible verse they’re so sure is the word of God. It would just  be funny if the law didn’t entitle them to home school their kids in this kind of doctrine, and carry guns. And yeah, there are people like this all over the world. I just happen to live in California right now. So cool off, patriots.

Romans 1:18-32

New International Version (NIV)

God’s Wrath Against Sinful Humanity

18 The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of people, who suppress the truth by their wickedness, 19 since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. 20 For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse.

21 For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. 22 Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools 23 and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like a mortal human being and birds and animals and reptiles.

24 Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. 25 They exchanged the truth about God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen.

26 Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural sexual relations for unnatural ones. 27 In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed shameful acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their error.

28 Furthermore, just as they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, so God gave them over to a depraved mind, so that they do what ought not to be done. 29 They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, 30 slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; 31 they have no understanding, no fidelity, no love, no mercy. 32 Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.”

Come on, people.

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America’s “massage” culture

March 1, 2013

I decided to go there… somewhere that’s been bothering me for a while now.  The column will appear later, somewhere here. It’s about how sex slavery is sold as “massage” in the USA. Literally, on every street corner, but behind closed, usually purple, curtains.

tableshower

This is what it looks like. To me, not hot. And generally the rooms aren’t that well decorated. But you can tell that it’s positioned to sell sex.

messageboard

Ah, war heroes, fucking… sorry, fighting… for their country. In case you think I’m demonizing men, check out the woman who’s quite happy to enslave other women for her pleasure. (Last post). That’s so dumbass sad.

Everywhere you go, every left wing publication is funded by the pain of third world women on their back pages.

Everywhere you go, every left wing publication is funded by the pain of third world women on their back pages.

This is actually where I went. Note the purple tint on the curtains? It's much purpler at night.

This is actually where I went. Note the purple tint on the curtains? It’s much purpler at night.

Nobody really wants to be fat. Not really.

January 21, 2013

Sure, ideas of beauty change, are constructed by society, and even the biggest supermodel will go mad if she compares herself to others in order to assess her professional worth. But you know in your gut if you’re just – I’ll say it – fat. Yes, you do. Oh, yes you do.

This is good to bear in mind. The so called hot people are freaks of nature. Most of us are just beautiful in our own ways.

This is good to bear in mind. The so called hot people are freaks of nature. Most of us are just beautiful in our own ways.

I find it very hard to believe people who tell me they “love” their bodies just the way they are three times a day while hiding them under great big T-Shirts and refusing to go to the beach for shame. I also think we give ourselves a hard time about how we look for all the wrong reasons sometimes. I have no doubt that ideas of beauty are constructed. Yes, they’ve definitely changed. Allow me to illustrate:

K112625TITIAN 3

Beautiful. These days she couldn’t get a modeling job – not even as a plus sizer.

Pierre-Auguste_Renoir_072

Beautiful. But today she’d spend her life thinking she had “fat arms”. Which is bull.

blackvenus

Beautiful. In some times, places and cultures, some people still can’t see that. Like John Mayer for instance.

meryl-streep_0

Beautiful. But when you google Meryl Streep the most suggested (i.e. poplular) search phrases are “Meryl Streep Young” and “Meryl Streep hot”.

But the fact that what’s considered “beautiful” in magazines changes doesn’t mean that doesn’t mean being so fat that you can’t walk to your car, or so fat that your knees are caving in, or so fat that you have veins in your ankles by the age of 25, is something anyone chooses.

image002

There’s a fetish for everything, including dandruff. But I struggle to believe that the woman suffering from obesity pictured here actually wants to look like that, but more importantly it’s hard to believe that she wants to FEEL like that.

This isn't beautiful either.

This isn’t beautiful either.

It’s become fashionable to cater for obesity, to treat it as if it is not a problem, the same way we cater to anorexia as if it isn’t a problem. Now, I know being mean to fat people wouldn’t help at all. But overeating is an addiction. So I’d vote for being nice to people who eat too much, just as I’d vote for being nice to heroin addicts. But I’m not going to pretend I think a giant camel-toe is attractive.

Fact is, getting fat happens slowly. I learned this recently, over the two and a half years I’ve lived in the USA. I arrived here at a healthy weight, initially lost a few kilos because I didn’t have a car, and then slowly but surely went from lean, to padded, to plump, to actually, very nearly medically overweight. I noticed when I went to the clinic for a checkup here in California. The doctor said nothing about my weight gain. I was relieved, until I realised he was just scared of offending me.

What was next? I wondered. Full-on obesity? Fuck that for a joke.

So at the risk of being politically incorrect, I’ve downloaded a calorie counting application for my cell phone and started exercising, eating healthily, and… yes it’s working. In about five weeks, I’ll be able to look at myself in the mirror without wincing. In two months, I should be able to stand how I look in set photographs. The best thing about it actually is that it provides an outlet for my competitive, OCD nature, a focus for my stress about other things. Instead of wondering if I’ll ever make a truly great film, I just get to feel good that I had strawberries and yogurt for breakfast and it only cost me 200 calories. Silly? Yes. Shallow? Oh, most definitely. But sometimes it’s important to be shallow, like when you break your leg, or get maleria, or gain 8 kilograms your body really, really doesn’t need.

Signs of South Africa

January 11, 2013

South Africans aren’t rude. We’re just overly familiar and brutally honest.

It has been an insane year in SA. And WTF is now in the actual dictionary (the Oxford is always a few years behind - they'll catch up one day soon)

Newspaper posters on the lamp posts: It has been an insane year in SA. And WTF is now in the dictionary (the Oxford is always a few years behind – they’ll catch up one day.)


We tend not to respect celebrity for its own sake. We tend not to respect authority for its own sake, either. After all, Apartheid used to be law. Nowadays, driving over the yellow line is illegal. Anyone here never done it?

The upside: Cars don't have to sit behind you on a single lane highway for 3kms. Downside? It's illegal? Upside? Nobody cares.

The upside: Cars don’t have to sit behind you on a single lane highway for 3kms. Downside? It’s illegal? Upside? Nobody cares. Downside? Over 1200 road deaths this holiday. Upside: Fast traveling and fun times.

Cape Town is famous for the fact that you can come here and… be completely ignored no matter how famous you are, except maybe if you leave the city or want to fuck girls from Camps Bay who wanna be famous too. Colin Farrell spent lots of time here cause he could walk around without his sunglasses on (not that he did, his eye would hurt, cause Cape Town parties hard and drugs are fresh off the boat). But mostly he was here cause Capetonians think they’re special. They’re like, “Oh, you’re Colin Farrel? Really? Well fine, but I’m from Cape Town.”

Celebrity Rehab? Come here and get sober. We don’t care how who you are, or how wasted you are.

I think these signs from all over South Africa exemplify this point. We’re special. We get to say it like it is. Take…

OLD AGE

So I took a tour of an old age home, looking for a friend of my Mom's who she hadn't contacted in a while. She was freaked out - being about 24 years closer to death than I am. But this sign in the complex made her laugh.

So I took a tour of an old age home, looking for a friend of my Mom’s who she hadn’t contacted in a while. She was freaked out – being about 24 years closer to death / urinating on herself, than I am. But this sign in the complex made her laugh.

And laugh again.

And laugh again.

And this is what you get - I think this is a lovely way for an old age community to remember you. I think it's okay to laugh in the face of death. Perhaps it's even essential.

And this is what you get – I think this is a lovely way for an old age community to remember you. I think it’s okay to laugh in the face of death. Perhaps it’s even often fucking essential.

DEATH

We dare it. We double dare it. We’re not like Americans; scared to venture from our car to our apartment if the “air” isn’t already on on a hot day. Sweating never killed you… except when it did.

Okay, it's unlikely that today's cell phones could cause a gas tank to explode... but it's still annoying to the petrol attendants when you use yours. Same reason why they pretend it's dangerous on airplanes BTW.

Okay, it’s unlikely that today’s cell phones could cause a gas tank to explode… but it’s still annoying to the petrol attendants when you use yours. Same reason why they pretend it’s dangerous on airplanes BTW. “If you use your cell phone now, nobody may ever talk to you again.”

Now actually, lighting a cigarette at a gas station is actually genuinely stupid. If you do it while you're on your cell phone you will also be sneered at while you die.

Now actually, lighting a cigarette at a gas station is actually genuinely stupid. If you do it while you’re on your cell phone you will also be sneered at while you die.

WE DON’T CARE WHO YOU ARE

Aaaaand back to that.

Real reason for this sign: Grapes close to the road get covered in dust and are hard to make wine with. Other reason: People who live on farms feel free to drive really fast and ignore speed limits and this farm is surrounded by other farmers.

Real reason for this sign: Grapes close to the road get covered in dust and are hard to make wine with. Other reason: People who live on farms feel free to drive really fast and ignore speed limits and this farm is surrounded by other farmers.

Enterprising South Africans in “Cuteness for Sale”

January 4, 2013

In the last few weeks, bad and good things have happened. Six people died: in Poland drinking infected vodka, in Pakistan in a bomb blast, in SA trying to get jobs – the 1300 people selected from thousands of applicants for jobs as Traffic Cops were asked to run 4km in 30 minutes in hot conditions. Six died of dehydration on the spot. One killed himself because he wasn’t picked. Another died later in hospital.

We’re certainly not lazy out here. And we’re good at finding new ways to make money, whether that be making Christmas trees out of wire or baskets out of plastic bags or … exploiting cuteness.

This is genius: Get customers at your restaurant to pay to feed your livestock for you! Later, you can eat the livestock.

This is genius: Get customers at your restaurant to pay to feed your livestock for you! Later, you can eat the livestock.

Relatively cute bunnies. Who's not going to pay R2 (USD .28c) for a child's smile?

Relatively cute bunnies. Who’s not going to pay R2 (USD .28c) for a child’s smile?

This tiger's like "I am going to fucking kill you if you make me stand on this boat for ONE more minute while you paint me." Accidentally hilarious art for sale in the same coffee shop.

This tiger’s like “I am going to fucking kill you if you make me stand on this boat for ONE more minute while you paint me.” Accidentally hilarious art for sale in the same coffee shop.

And a giant pineapple? Yes, that's a great idea. It's surrounded by pineapple fields and if you wanna pay R10 you can climb up to survey the fields, or watch a video about pineapple farming. They also sell juice, jam, t-shirts...

And a giant pineapple? Yes, that’s a great idea. It’s surrounded by pineapple fields and if you wanna pay R10 you can climb up to survey the fields, or watch a video about pineapple farming. They also sell juice, jam, t-shirts…

Donald Trump, asshole extrodinaire, lurks in a corner of a pharmacy in California, representing a very different kind of enterprising.

Donald Trump, asshole extraodinaire, lurks in a corner of a pharmacy in California, representing a very different kind of enterprising.

How does the South African Winelands crisis look from the USA?

November 16, 2012

We don’t hear much on the news about South Africa really. The USA isn’t fighting a war there and we don’t produce anything they really need.

Except, possibly, great wine with a different swing to California’s good stuff.

This billboard is all over Los Angeles. “What can one person do?” Well, not everything, guys. Time to start doing a bit of the heavy lifting ourselves perhaps?

So what a pity there’s the possibility of international boycotts after the international community discovered just how little workers on farms earn?

I wrote this article about the issue on News24. Now, I know some people really can’t afford to pay more than minimum wage. I also know a lot of people who could pay workers more per day and employ them fewer days, or who can afford double what they pay, and still under-pay.

It’s not a question of whether or not the wine industry can afford to pay more than it does. It has to. End of story. If it doesn’t, the international community will stop buying our wines.

Anyhow, we’ll see how it goes down. I am almost certain I’ll get the usual death threats – hopefully from angry white people who’re too lazy to carry them out.

The image South African Wine wants.

The image South African wine is in danger of getting.

Killer online election viral’s from USA 2012

November 2, 2012

I just wrote an article for News24 about the funny viral videos out there. Here I’ve embedded them for your viewing pleasure! If you know any that make fun of Obama and are funny please post the link in the comments. I looked and couldn’t find any… Do Republicans just not make funny videos?

Kid crying because she’s so sick of “Bronco” and Mitt fighting. Hilarious.

Kids react to election coverage on TV. Some really astute comments. Also nobody knows what the electoral college is. Which is good because if they did, they’d start crying.

Mitt Romney Style

Homer Simpson Votes!

My first time – the Lena Dunham version.

My first time – the original Russian version for Putin’s campaign.

The only funny anti-Obama video I could find. Thanks, NRA.

Binders full of Binders full of Women!

October 19, 2012

Thank the lord of the WWW for this one. Binders Full of Women is the only light at the end of the political tunnel in a world where everyone, including some women, seems to be wearing blinders.

google top prompt binders

Google has spoken.

It’s depressing for me that Romney’s even still a contender. So I don’t know what I’d do without this meme, which has taken over so crazily that even Amazon Review boards for binders (as in physical binders) are clogged with political snark. Sales of binders are also up on Amazon, which can only mean that Republican men are buying them in the hope of filling them at some point.

Too good to be false.

Classic!

Anyhow, I googled, I tumblrd, I went around looking and here are a few of my favorite Binders Full of Women graphs:

There are a lot of anti-mormen ones for Romney. I find most of them distasteful, mostly because I find all religions equally funny, and nobody can tell me Mormenism is more sexist than Islam or straight Christianity, so I don’t think it’s fair to pick on any one more than another, but this is genuinely funny because: Did you know? Utah tops the list of states for porn consumption?

Romney’s rap debut.

The pop psych take on it.

Oh, well, that”s all okay then?

Nerds for Obama!

So bad it’s funny.

Even worse so it’s even funnier.

Yes he does. And Nokia, probably.

You tell ’em Patrick.

And finally, a video tribute featuring a whole bunch.

From elevator farts to pinnoccio to pie charts: leftover signs posted

August 15, 2012

Sometimes life makes no sense. This week, I’m having a new version of an old dream at night. I’ve had it so often I’m often lucid in it at this point, but still unable to control the emptiness I feel no matter how I force it to end. So in that state of restless randomnity, I WANT to write, but I have nothing. Nothing in particular to say after wandering through my own day like a ghost.

I don’t remember who facebooked this, but I knew instantly that it belonged on this blog. What better way to introduce a post about nothing in particulars? I guess it would be time to stop looking and start living.

Pinnoccio is one of my favourite characters. So favorite that I have dated him and even married him over the years. Usually by the time he becomes a real boy, he’s someone else’s though.

The result of your actions will be an equal and opposite re-action. But this is my beef with Karma: it doesn’t seem to strike the person responsible. So for example, the people who voted for apartheid are mostly in Australia whining about SA to anyone who’ll listen. The people suffering its bad karma are in South Africa, suffering. This makes no sense, and frankly, is proof that if god does exist, he desperately needs a secretary.

Zuma is part of the bad karma. He’s not the worst president in the world, but he is ineffective, sexist, nepotistic, unable to form a coherent voice from the multitudes of voices within the ANC, and prone to obvious stupidity. This makes him not unlike Mao / Stalin, the obvious references in this satirical artpiece. I’m reading about Mao at the moment in the form of an amazing Biography/Autobiography, “Wild Swans” – the story of three generations of exceptional Chinese women. That book’s probably half the reason I’m so down on humanity at the moment.

And here’s what I miss about home. Stuff like this. This sign picture, taken by Nick Aldridge, who I hope won’t mind me using it in low res. here, was snapped at the Red Hill Shebeen. Red Hill’s a beachside community. Each of these little holiday towns has a little township next door (yeah, not much has changed since apartheid days out there) that supplies the holiday-makers with cheap labor and so on… I’ve been to a lot of them because I had this fairly dangerous habit of getting drunk and deciding to visit on the pretext of buying something. My poor, poor boyfriends…

Taken by screenwriter Leslie Rann, in the elevator of her LA apartment complex. Hilarious, how they explain the exact science of the smell moving around. It should really say “Please do not remove head from ass while in elevator. We prefer all your holes to be plugged while in public places.”

Summarizes how most people feel about pie charts. Although I’m not that into pie, here. Americans like them sweet. I miss the little individual ones you get at gas stations in South Africa. My favorite: Mutton Curry. One of those and an appeltiser the morning after a late night and you’re ready for a day at the office!

Right. Now I can finally delete all that shit from my desktop. Thanks for listening.

Dumb stuff Facebook tries to sell me, mid-earthquake

August 8, 2012

I just went on facebook, because I experienced my first real earthquake. My apartment complex shook like an outdoor table at a cheap restaurant. I thought about phoning my lover to say “come quick, let’s do it!” And then it was over. Over already? A whole 4.4 on the Richter, and not a single glass was broken, although a friend reported a salt shaker falling over in his ground floor abode.

So, I was on facebook. And everybody was updating in CAPS like it was scary or something.

So here’s my life plan by facebook advertising: Pregnant! Then duh… lose a of pounds and my happy life continues. Except I was only able to afford that tummy tuck because I SOLD MY BABY ON THE BLACK MARKET AND GOT CAUGHT. But at least, before I went to jail, I could shop at Modcloth for these cute little outfits that I’d never have fitted into with my ugly baby-tummy.

Find it distressing to see someone’s crying face on my facebook page every day. I don’t want to see my friends’ criminal records. I don’t think it’s any of my business. I guess I need to change my age, race, and sexual preferences again. So now, I’ll be a gay man, widowed, 19. That should make me harder to target.