Archive for November, 2017

Weird Facebook Adverts – Salad-bowl relationship fixes, penis underpants and outright lies.

November 22, 2017

I’m convinced the same people who rigged the election also work writing click-bait facebook adverts full of lies. I’m even beginning to miss the adverts for engagement ring matches and wedding planning that littered my timeline for a year after my ex and I diverted Hurricane Bad-Marriage by breaking up.

Speaking of RELATIONSHIPS…

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I posted this, on facebook (oh, the irony) and got some hilarious responses, this being my personal favorite conversation:

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Just living in LA alone fills my mind’s eye with things I desperately wish I could unsee, like that dirty little poodle-mix desperately trying to expell a string of poops attached to its asshole with a human hair it must have swallowed.

I don’t need the internet to do it too. But the internet won’t stop, and Facebook adverts in particular just won’t stop. As a way to expell the string of mental dog poop stuck to human hair from my consciousness, I’m going to be collecting the most ridiculous facebook adverts on this post and adding new ones to the top on a regular basis. Please feel free to link me stuff to share in the comments!

Let’s move on to… THIS BALD-FACED LIE ABOUT HIRING WRITERS

lies for writers

In this gem, writers are confused with “anyone who can type”, which is a common problem. It’s basically why almost everybody imagines they are a writer, or as my now-ex once put it, “I’m sure I could write a script, if I tried to”. Also, the only thing guaranteed about this is that that rate of $35-$45 is a lie.

Many writers do earn this. Just not by replying to this advert. And that’s guaranteed from home. It’s the Herbalife of bullshit-for-arts-grads.

Now, I’m all for humiliating cats but… BDSM FOR CATS IS GOING TOO FAR

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Just so you know, this advert wasn’t offered to me, but to someone else. I may have bad relationships and secretly wish for false hope of being paid $45 an hour to be “anyone who can type” but when you can’t see a cat’s outraged expression, making it wear a Christmas hat isn’t fun. Not fun at all.

Fun. Maybe we can watch Get Out on Hulu… BUT IT’S NOT ON HULU

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I checked, and none of the movies advertised here are available on Hulu on this day 11/21/17. Nor are they likely to be. Not without an additional HBO subscription.

I have no words for this. Sorry… but… SEXY?

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To be continued…

 

 

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Is “meat poisoning” a thing? I decided to find out at Austin Film Festival 2017.

November 3, 2017

I think I might have gone too far when I embarked on a carnivorous spiral of eating BBQ day after day.  Sometimes for breakfast (and then the leftovers for dinner after carrying them around in my purse to see films).

You have to understand… it’s SOOOOO good. I’ve never found good BBQ in LA. It’s always too sweet, and often tough and dry, like they just roasted it in an oven or something. Texas BBQ is wet and tasty and full of flavor. It melts in your mouth. It’s oral sex.

Of course, anything that tastes that good can’t be good for you. How much salt, sugar and carcinogenic smoke does it take to achieve this satanic nirvana? I wondered, but didn’t ask. Why ruin it?

Broke my BBQ cherry at COOPER’S OLD TIME BBQ on Commission Street. A dude who wore his cell phone in a holster like was a gun stopped to laugh at me as I moaned in pleasure, swallowing bit mouthfuls of salty dead cow.

A Lyft Driver referred me to MICKLETHWAIT CRAFT MEATS where I broke my “grits cherry” with some cheese and jalapeno divinity. The brisket was good. The chicken was utterly average. Peruvian wood-fired from my LA local Peruvian joint POLLO LA BRASA kicks its ass, but I guess you have to have something on the menu that’s not a cow or a pig. Speaking of which, they have a vegan BBQ item that’s not a potato or coleslaw – a faux-meat of some kind.

Now I was on a roll. Many people told me about the ORIGINAL BLACKS BBQ and the ORIGINAL SALT LICK – about 45 minutes drive up North, but I was working and seeing films and didn’t have a car. Another place out there, called COUNTY LINE (it’s right on the river), was the lyft driver who took me to the airport’s favorite, though like most proud Texans, his favorite BBQ place is “my back yard / my BBQ”.

Many lamented the loss of FRANKLIN’S BBQ. Funny story – there was a hurricane coming but they decided to light the fire anyhow, and BOOM. That night, they only sold burnt ends. (Too soon? Sorry). Everybody reassures me they’re rebuilding. Gotta admire a place that BBQs during a hurricane. The cows don’t stand a chance.

On the way to the airport, I really wanted to stop at one last place for an early lunch before my flight. I especially took a lyft to LA BARBEQUE, which people kept recommending to me. The driver warned me there’d be a long wait in line – and he was right. I couldn’t risk it.

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La BBQ puts the Queue in BBQ. Sad.

But when I called the ride to traipse home with my liver and health intact, the new driver said don’t worry, there’s a SALT LICK at the airport.

At the airport? Yes. At the airport. The entire airport smells of meat smoke.  It was pretty good. The Brisket was leaner than I’d had elsewhere but just as tender. The potato salad and coleslaw was meh. I broke my Sausage Cherry! Just kidding. I’ve had most kinds of sausages, all wordplay accepted. But this one wasn’t bad at all.

Back to the question: Is Meat Poisoning Possible?

It might be. No plant matter other than potato and one banana has touched my lips since I left LA. On the plane, I fell asleep, and woke up with my nose running, sneezing uncontrollably. Maybe I just caught a cold – some strain of a virus you don’t get in LA.

I’m not normally a big red meat eater. About once a month, I’ll get a hamburger. I have chicken a couple of times a week. Fish a few days, and most meals are vegetarian. Salads and fruits are my staple foods. I went straight out and restocked with leaves and avocados and fruit. But it may be too late.

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Hello, Death