Staring in the window

I hate that I can only live one life. I know it should be enough, but it’s hard to let go of the things you once expected you’d do. Like watch your daughter sitting on your man’s shoulders. Saw this the other day on campus. He’s holding her up so she can watch the orchestra rehearsing.

Someone came and closed the door while I was watching. Prophetic, perhaps. I guess it's always easy to imagine a perfect life inside the lit up windows. In reality I'd probably have ended up single parenting while the kids' father put their education up his arm.

I guess I’m thinking about this a lot because my brother’s about to have his second kid. I was meant to be the one who had kids. Life had other plans.

I guess as long as I never get a pet, nobody can mock me for my failure to breed. I’m more terrified than anything of becoming one of those sad career women who’s emotionally obsessed with their dogs / cats / iguana – even if there are so many of them now that I’d never struggle to meet people like myself.

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2 Responses to “Staring in the window”

  1. Shannon Says:

    I refuse to get a cat because it feels like advertising that I’ve given up and embraced being the crazy cat lady who makes her cat her profile picture on FB and yells at kids to get off the lawn.

    I’ll be 35 next month and while the number doesn’t scare me in itself, it’s sort of the fall-off-the-cliff age for marriage and kids, as no shortage of newspaper and magazine articles are eager to remind me. It’s not even that I mind so much, I don’t have much desire to have kids, it’s just that it feels like society knows less and less what to do with me as I near that point. It’s a bigger deal as a Southerner than in some other parts of the country, I think (if I still lived in Cambridge, MA no one would think anything of it).

    Anyway, I feel ya.

  2. jeanbarker Says:

    Thanks Sharon. Ya, I know adoption is an option, but I never wanted to be a single parent. I don’t want to have kids now just for the sake of it. If I could meet a man who had kids who didn’t hate me, that could work? Maybe. But then again, I’m so busy I’m struggling to make space for a relationship in my schedule, let alone parenting. It’s just a stab that hits me now and then, and lately? A lot.

    Cats and dogs are stupid. No seriously – it’s just a fact. They consume resources, and they have a very low IQ. When people say their pets are clever, it doesn’t mean they really think that. I mean, they wouldn’t put them in charge of the economy. Although there’s always that George W. Bush thing… so I guess you never really know for sure.

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