If I were a gossip columnist…

I’m trying to finish a short script about a homicidal hairdresser, but I’m having trouble, so I thought I’d read IMDBpro for a bit and write a fake column.

Hollywood Wrap (Title needs work)
From the bowels of film school and the pavements of power to your devices

Hollywood is in full summer swing, with movies that make me want to napalm humanity filling cinemas with people stupid enough to believe Super 8 is an actual movie. Come back, The Matrix. Come back, Waterworld. All is forgiven. In coffeeshops, screenwriting graduates with shattered dreams drip salty tears of despair into their coffee and fill out Starbucks applications.

TOM CRUISE TWEETS PHOTO. “THAT’S HOT”, SAYS WORLD.

Wooooo oh! Living on a prayer!

Tom Cruise makes your dad’s midlife crisis dream come true with a soon-to-be released rock ‘n roll epic adaptation of the stage play Rock of Ages, in which he sings songs by Bon Jovi, shirtless, with long hair, with pecks and a cheesy tattoo. He tweeted this photograph

Note the high-heeled shoes. That’s probably in his contract: I’ll need “$10k – and an extra six or so inches…” Katie is rumored to be thrilled with the results.

RANDOM 100,000 ZOMBIE HEADS

And in other breaking news, 100,000 Zombie Heads goes into post-production. I know, WTF. If only somebody knew what the hell that was. A google search turned up actress Jennifer Taylor’s facebook page, and nothing else. Taylor’s previous roles include four different characters in Two and a Half Men and a TV movie called Carnal Innocence, posted on Facebook: “Wrapped “100,000 Zombie Heads” today. Had a great time! Cast and crew were awesome!” Her friends “like”d that. So now you know. I wanna see the movie so bad it makes my balls ache. Whadda you mean I don’t have…

Sigh.

Nevermind.

Back to work.

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