16.7% of American Women Pee Standing Up

Or, so my study of the Dodge College women’s bathrooms seems to indicate. And sprinkling the seat is only the beginning of the horrors to be endured.

Hiny Hiders... American public toilets are kinda weird. They don't provide a hell of a lot of privacy, on the whole, except for the ones at Starbucks, where (as someone pointed out on Facebook, I forget who) you could literally murder someone and wash away the evidence. If I were a toilet cleaner, I think I might do just that...

Despite the lack of privacy provided by the average public toilet in the USA, women sure do get up to some weird shit.

Anyone who knows me relatively well knows that I will instantly refuse to date someone I really like if they pee on my toilet floor or seat and fail to wipe it up. There’s nothing less sexy than jumping out of a post-lovemaking snuggle to go to the bathroom and standing in bare feet in the chilly wetness of a guy’s urine. All attraction instantly fades as you wipe your feet with toilet paper. Time to figure out how to kick him out so you can have a hot shower, and wish this never happened. With any luck, most men make the mistake before you make the mistake of ending up in bed with him, but I haven’t always been that lucky or I’d probably still be a virgin.

As you can imagine, my intolerance for standing in urine significantly limits my dating “pool”. Or “Puddle”, really. Men are known to be filthy beasts. Some even consider it part of their appeal. And the unmade bed, the collection of socks hidden underneath it minutes before guests arrive, and the general lack of anal-ness can be reassuring signs of heterosexuality for many. For me, they’re like a low-level pot dependency: a sign of potential for worst.

And of course I am on shaky ground here. I have my own bad habits. I get the toothpaste out of the tube with my mouth. I drink from the milk carton – and refuse to stop, no matter how much my partner may hate it. I have no sleep pattern.

But recently I’ve learned that a lot of other women are much, much more disgusting than I am, when they find themselves alone in a public toilet in any case. Some of their favourite habits amaze me, like…

NESTING Americans are terrified of germs. It’s like mass-O.C.D. This doesn’t mean they get sick any less than anyone else, just that they’re paranoid. So all toilet seats come with paper covers, which can be placed over the seat and flushed away. Although germs can penetrate 30 layers of paper, America happily destroys rainforests to protect their buts from germs. I don’t get it… if I were a germ, I’d personally want to be protected from your but. But that’s just me. Then to make this all worse, they don’t flush them away. So when you come to use the toilet, you have to pick up their peed on paper and get rid of it first. Then go wash your hands, then go back in.

SMEARING: I’ve seen this all over the world. But it remains an endless source of fascination to me that a woman can somehow manage to smear blood and much worse things all over the toilet seat. It seems like a real physical feat, unless, possibly, there are women out there with vaginas and asses in the weirdest places. If there are, send me the link? But what’s weirder is how they then fail to notice and clean it up afterwards. I am beginning to wonder if it’s some kind of weird O.C.D. toilet fetish. I mean, it makes no sense. Even if common human decency doesn’t spur these chicks to clean up their mess, surely the fear of getting caught should do the trick? But no…

SPRINKLING: Looks like a guy’s been in there. What the hell happened? When women and learned to pee sitting down, the world became a better place. Considerate guys know how to do it too. This just feels like backsliding. And in any case, if you really want to pee standing up, chicks, please, learn to do a better job than the average piss-drunk undergrad.

Yes, I have too much work to do to be blogging about my fellow-students’ toilet habits, but after spending 6 hours in the video lab last night, and using the toilet 3 times in that shift, I had to get this off my chest.


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7 Responses to “16.7% of American Women Pee Standing Up”

  1. Geanann Says:


  2. Shannon Says:

    My mom made us, from the time we were wee ones, very carefully cover the surface of any public toilet with toilet paper before we used it. (This was before the era of the ready-made disposable seat covers.) To this day I can’t use a public toilet without meticulously covering any portion of it that my bum might touch. So yeah, we are kind of obsessive about that. I know lots of women who won’t touch anything in a public bathroom–they use paper towels to turn on faucets and open doors and then discard the trash in a bin outside.

  3. Jean Says:

    So weird. And the fact that it doesn’t actually protect you from germs doesn’t stop you? It seems almost superstitious. I mean, germs really exist, but they’re either not deadly, or can’t actually be guarded against using toilet paper. Which is not to say I will sit on a dirty seat… the eeuw factor just won’t let me.

  4. leslie Says:

    So it’s just American women? It’s so endlessly frustrating to go to a movie theater or theme park bathroom that someone has stuffed to the gills with toilet paper, clogged and left. Or just lined the stall with tp like a hamster cage. I will never get it at all. It is really, really gross–and I mean, I grew up on a farm, I’ve seen my share of gross stuff.

  5. Jean Says:

    Ah people will always do weird things in bathrooms Leslie. But the routine OCD – which makes no sense, because the same women handle (much dirtier) bank notes without flinching or washing their hands – is something I have never experienced anywhere in Africa, or in Europe / UK.

  6. Shannon Says:

    Yeah the germs thing has no effect on me. I’m just certain that wherever I am in the world, if I don’t appropriately cover the toilet seat my mother is shaking her head disapprovingly. It’s like the rule about no white shoes after Labor Day–does it make sense? No. Do I observe it? Yes, because civilization is predicated on such nonsensical rules and I don’t want to be the one responsible for the crash.

  7. What would you do for love? « Jean Barker's Sign Language Says:

    […] hell I’ll ever compromise on this one again. This is particularly important when it comes to toilet etiquette – which excludes me dating most women, […]

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