Tortoises and humans: 5 unavoidable simularities

Yes, I am researching tortoises. I happen to really love tortoises. I love them so much I’m starring a tortoise as the main character in a short film I’m trying to write.

Why did the tortoise cross the road? This question needs to be answered to make the story work. After some feedback from fellow-student Donte D. Murray, I'm searching for a reason, but my script's working (and probably final) title is To Get To The Other Side.

ONE Male tortoises generally court female tortoises whenever the opportunity presents itself.
So if two tortoises of opposite genders run into each other somewhere in the middle of the Arizona dessert, the male might say something like “Fancy running into you here!” Even though he can’t run and it’s not clear where they are.

TWO Female tortoises have longer toenails.

They haven’t figured out how to paint them yet, so tourists are encouraged to stop en route on road trips, capture female tortoises, and help them out. They prefer blue but pink will do. No.

THREE Tortoises are creatures of habit.
So if you build a road where they happen to live, they simply cross it every day while going about their business. They’ll stick to their bad habits even when they are life threatening, but are not yet known to smoke cigarettes or inject heroin.

FOUR They got baby-mamas too
After the male tortoise has impregnated the female tortoise, she does all the work of having eggs, hatching them and so on. Then she might find another male and make more eggs. Then he will waddle off into the sunset… etc.

FIVE Sex is difficult to determine until the tortoise is about 7 inches.
Haw haw haw.

The only very important difference between most human males and tortoise males seems to be that tortoises are vegetarian and don’t drink.

Other things Tortoises do that you may not expect include: 1. pee on you if they’re scared 2. re-absorb their own urine if they’re thirsty 3. sneeze. 4. Wash and bathe 5. Communicate with whales! (just kidding).

I bet you feel enriched by this knowledge. I know I do.


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2 Responses to “Tortoises and humans: 5 unavoidable simularities”

  1. Tweets that mention Tortoises and humans: 5 unavoidable simularities « Jean Barker's Sign Language -- Says:

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Jean Barker, Keith Foster. Keith Foster said: Tortoises and humans: 5 unavoidable simularities « Jean Barker's … […]

  2. The Burg Says:

    Now i know…and knowing is half the battle…..Yoooo Joe!

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