Jean Pierre Something. Viva la Sexy. Downhill Red. Fragrances of Failure.

Have you lost all hope and self-respect? Well then one of these smells is perfect for you.

I love my local “$99c and up Bargain Mart”. They’re always selling something nobody should really buy. And this Valentine’s Day Season, they have what every woman who just can’t get it right is looking for: fragrances so bad that they can be held to blame for the fact that she won’t have a date on the 14th Feb.

I love the fact that you can sample it before you buy, just like in a real parfumerie.

Jean Pierre …Something, a fragrance with realistic scent of Unwashed Frenchman – guaranteed to attracted Doberman Pinchers and really drunk guys at 1.30am. By which time, if you’ve drunk enough of it, you won’t really care.

Then there’s Viva la Sexy – bringing out the communist in your vagina just in time for a threesome. Don’t forget to film it and post it on facebook.

And finally, Downhill Red! The fragrance for the woman who smells like 40 cigarettes a day, anyway, so like, it can’t really get any worse, can it? Or can it? With Downhill Red, yes it can!

I’d say they’re ready for their close-up.

I just want to know where the factory is that makes this stuff.

Tags: 99c store, downhill red, dunhill red perfume, jean barker, signs, valentine's day